Hello friends, mommy A here. Don’t worry, Raena’s fit as a fiddle and will be showing off her gorgeous selfie later. Today, I wanted to talk about something that people don’t like to talk about. Something that’s been a real problem this last year with all that’s going on. Don’t worry, this is not about politics. It’s about depression. But, don’t think this is going to be a down in the dumps, pity party, leave you feeling bad post either. So, what exactly is this, you ask? Well, hopefully, it can serve as a light at the end of the tunnel for someone, and therapy for me. And also, a chance to talk about my wonderful Lexi, who left me too soon.

First and foremost, depression can happen to anybody at any time. It’s more than just a case of the sads/blues. It can be deafening and life threatening. I like to think I’m a positive upbeat kind of person. I have always looked for the good in every situation. But, that doesn’t mean I’m immune from the emotional ills. Just because someone has a smile on their face and is laughing, doesn’t mean that everything’s alright. Inside, the part you can’t see, could be in turmoil. I never really experienced depression until after my accident. You see, I was an outsider in my own family. My father died when I was 2 1/2 years old and my mother was young and “on the market”. I spent a lot of time at grandparents and baby sitters houses. When my mother married her second husband, things settled down a bit until my sister was born. She was the sun, moon and stars for my mother and her new husband. I was a left over inconvenience of a life that didn’t work out. I learned at a very young age how to detach my emotions from my life. I know, it’s not healthy, but it worked for me. Some people just don’t have the capacity to truly love more than one child. Thankfully for my sisters sake, there were no more children and she remained highly favored. I’m not telling you all this for your pity, but instead, so you’ll understand why I view some things the way I do.

(photo taken with 110 camera)

Anyways, enough of the early childhood backstory. The accident that changed my life forever was the first time I couldn’t detach myself from the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. Suddenly, I was faced with an onslaught of panic and dismay. Thankfully, I had Shad, my first service cat to keep me from literally drowning in despair. When she died, I spiraled for a few years. Sure, I was going through the motions of every day life, but inside, I was empty and out of control. I’m a Christian. I believe in God. He is my comforter. But, I can’t actually reach out and touch Him, and sometimes, that physical touch is the only thing that will help. I started fostering bottle baby kittens to keep my mind occupied, so I didn’t have time to think. And that’s when I met Lexi. I didn’t know it at the time, but she was going to be my life saver in the middle of the oceans of panic and despair.

I won’t retell Lexi’s story, but if you’d like to read it, you can do so here. Of course I’m prejudiced, but it’s worth your time. She was amazing. Those green eyes could melt my heart every time. And her purr comforted me deep within. Quite a few of our friends have called her my heart cat. That’s a term I had never heard until we started blogging. And, to be honest, I hate it! To me it implies that one only has enough love for 1 cat. No other cat, no matter how much love they give or joy they bring will ever really have your love. Remember, my mother only had enough love for 1 child, my sister. I always swore I would never have more kitties than I could love. I believe there are many reasons Lexi was so special to me and impacted my life so much. Yes, our relationship was very special, but I took her in when she was only minutes old. She was my first cat to live past the age of five; so she was a big part of my life for a long time. And, she came to me during a time when I needed rescuing.

For a long time, Lexi’s love and presence helped keep the depression at bay. My situation didn’t change, my health didn’t get better, but I had a reason to live and be happy. Well, when we lost Dezi in December, I didn’t truly know how much it would impact me. She had been struggling and kept me so busy, that I was exhausted when we said goodbye. Once that exhaustion subsided, I was left with the new reality. My health has gone downhill over the past few years and external worries, the unreliable car, keeping a roof over our heads, costs of living, damages to our property leaving me with broken medical equipment, keepsakes and furniture, and just life in general left me feeling those old feelings of despair. RaenaBelle is so amazing. For a kitty that I didn’t raise on a bottle, let me tell ya’, she has bonded with me in the same ways Lexi did. On the one hand, I love that. On the other, it makes me miss Lexi all the more. April 29th would have been Lexi’s birthday/gotchaday, and lately, I’ve really felt her loss.

If Raena’s so wonderful, why am I so depressed you ask? As I said above, life hasn’t been so good to me lately. And, I love Raena so much, I want to give her as much as she gives me. Without a second kitty, Raena’s left to do all the work. She never complains, and tries so hard to be everything all the time. Cats aren’t like humans. You can’t tell them not to worry about it and expect them to rest. They just keep trying because they love you and want to please you. I know the right kitty is out there, it’s just frustrating waiting and searching. And quite frankly, to be deemed an unfit home by a rescue because I can’t unequivocally respond with a “no problem” for a possible emergency scenario that would cost thousands of dollars is heartbreaking and disgusting. But, as I said in the beginning, this is not a pity post. And, I’ll let you in on a little secret. Things are about to change…for the better. You’ll have to come back Friday to find out why.

As always though, I’m still looking for the Blessings amongst the clouds. And, the time I had with Lexi will always be at the top of my list, as will the time with all the kitties before and after. All of you, our dear friends, are Blessings I thank God for every day. RaenaBelle and I are truly Blessed to have each other and all of you. I can’t change most of my circumstances, but I can change how I view them. I’m climbing out of the pit of despair and rejoining the day. My advice, be kind. You don’t know what someone may be going through. Be slow to anger. Just because you view something one way, doesn’t mean every one does. Listen. You never know when you might learn something. Reach out and Touch someone. Humans and animals respond positively to Touch. It can be very healing. Think about it. When you reach out and pet your kitty what happens? Kitties immediately respond to touch by purring. Thank you all for reading. Depression can happen any time of the year. It’s not exclusive to holidays. If you need to talk, I am here. Don’t stay in your despair alone. Ask for help…and pet a cat.

It’s a surprise!!!

We’re linking up with the Kitties Blue for Sunday Selfies. And, as we do each week, we’d like to remind you to take a minute today and every day to Give Thanks for the Blessings in your lives. Thank you for being Blessings in ours.

Love and Hugs

Mommy A with RaenaBelle